Every summer season there may be nothing that Sophia, 67, enjoys greater than welcoming her ten grandchildren on Sundays for a leisurely barbecue adopted by a swim within the household pool in Cornwall.
The retired civil servant’s grandchildren, aged 5 to 22, all name her Nona, a nod to Sophia’s Greek heritage.
Yet solely half of them are her organic grandchildren.
The others are her companion David’s grandchildren. Sophia’s husband, who ran his personal electrical firm, died out of the blue in 2010.
A decade in the past, she met David, now 65, and 9 months after assembly, the couple moved into David’s dwelling collectively.
“My estate, which includes two properties I rent out, is valued at £600,000, but even though I’ve known the younger of my five stepgrandchildren since they were babies, they won’t be getting anything from me when I do eventually pass,” she says.
“I love them to bits and I treat them exactly as I do my biological grandchildren. I shower them with love and affection, spending the same on their Christmas and birthday presents. I am just as happy having any of them over for teepee slumber parties or camp-outs in the garden.
“But I promised my late husband that our estate in its entirety would go to our grandchildren.
“Of course there are times I feel guilty about this decision. The world is a tough place for the younger generation and they need all the financial help they can get.
“I appreciate that this means that I will be leaving my biological grandchildren on a more solid financial basis than David’s, but I feel honour-bound to respect my late husband’s wishes.
“Fortunately, none of the grandchildren has ever asked me about what I intend to leave them. And if they do, then I will jolly well tell a big fat fib because when they do find out I won’t be here.”
So is Sophia’s choice the best one, or might it will definitely break up her new household in two?
Nothing causes antagonism fairly like a will that’s perceived to be unfair, in fact. The shopper information Which? experiences an increase within the variety of wills being challenged, with one agency of solicitors noting a 111 per cent improve in enquiries about difficult wills in a single 12 months.
Last 12 months, a survey by Direct Line Insurance discovered that nearly 1 / 4 of us could be ready to go to courtroom to dispute a will if we disagreed with it.
Chartered scientific psychologist Dr Marianne Trent, writer of The Grief Collective, says it’s usually the ‘surprising’ will left by the girl who fulfils the ‘matriarchal role’ within the household that finally ends up inflicting essentially the most issues.
“Money offers a certain type of lifestyle and security,” she says.
“Blended families can get used to a sense of belonging and entitlement even if the funds don’t come from their biological relatives.
“So when the will isn’t popular with all family members, because some are left out, it can lead to conflict and bitterness. The problem is, this can ripple down the generations, leading to long-lasting family rifts.”
Yet Sophia, who has three grownup daughters, is adamant that her plans for who will get what will not be up for dialogue or negotiation.
Indeed, the one one that is conscious of her needs is her companion David.
“David used to work in construction and has a slightly smaller estate than I do,” she says.
“His is worth £500,000 and he will leave it to whoever he wants.
“When we got together, he knew I was a widow and that I’d promised my husband our estate would be passed on to our grandchildren. He has always respected my decision.
“I didn’t include my children in the will because I have helped them out financially already, with everything from deposits for homes to annual family holidays together. They are all on the property ladder, whereas my grandchildren are not. That will be my gift to them.”
Sophia says her feelings will not be clouded with regards to her step-grandchildren.
“They will be looked after by David and even if he didn’t have anything to leave to his side, I still wouldn’t include them in my will. I hardly ever see the older step-ones so I have pretty neutral feelings towards them. They are making their own way in the world — and good luck to them.
“The teenagers and younger ones I do see and have known since they were little, and at times my decision does tug at my heartstrings. But they won’t see a penny from me.
“I love being a grandma and I was very involved in my grandchildren’s lives — at times I was more like a second mum to some of them and it’s why I feel it is my duty to include them, and only them, in my will.”
When we make a will, the choice is normally a really pragmatic and unemotional one, says Dr Marianne Trent.
By distinction, when that may is learn, feelings are sometimes very excessive, with unhappiness and grief colouring everybody’s response to it.
“People who might have already started to mentally bank the money, or have even already spent it, can be left feeling, “Aren’t I good enough?” ’ says Dr Trent.
“That’s when paranoia and suspicion set in.
“Retired family doctor Sarah, 74, has a son and daughter, and two grandchildren, one of whom is a step-grandson. Her estate is valued at £750,000 and is mainly tied up in property on the Wirral and savings.
“When my youngest daughter married her husband, he already had a five-year-old son,” she says.
“I went out of my way to reassure her that I would treat him no differently from my other grandson and over the years I have been true to my word.
“They got the same presents for Christmas and the same amount of money for their birthdays. I have been scrupulously fair.”
So why isn’t her step-grandson in her will?
“The truth is, his mother hasn’t been kind to my daughter over the years, and it has pained me to see my daughter’s stepson siding with his mother. I’ve kept my counsel but it has been hard witnessing how he treats my daughter.”
With each boys now of their 20s, Sarah mentioned her choice with pals earlier than seeing her solicitor to place her needs in place.
“There was a mixed reaction. Some think I should leave him something to keep the peace — but why? I’m sure I’m never in his thoughts. I never receive birthday or Christmas cards, for example.
“My daughter still bends over backwards for him, paying his rent during leaner times of work. I can’t bear to see how he abuses her generosity.
“I haven’t dithered over my decision at all. While I have never interfered in my daughter’s relationship with her stepson, this way everyone will know how I have felt about his behaviour over the years.
“And no, my children aren’t aware of the contents of my will because I don’t want to poke a hornet’s nest and deal with the fallout while I’m still alive.”
Dr Marianne Trent, nevertheless, believes it’s higher to be open concerning the contents of wills when you are nonetheless alive.
“If it feels too difficult, then get a mediator or therapist involved,” she says.
“The benefit of having these conversations before you die is that all loose ends are tied up.
“Yes, it’s your property, your estate and it’s up to you what you do with it. But telling relatives what those wishes are now can minimise the eventual impact and avoid family conflict in the heat of the moment later.”
That influence will be devastating, says Claire, 52, from the Midlands. “I had a lovely relationship with my late step-gran,” she says.
“I never knew my dad’s mum because she died when he was a child, so when Dad remarried I was 14 when I got a grandma too.
“Over the years, our relationship was a lovely bonus to my life. When I was a teenager, whenever my father and stepmum were away, she would check in on me while I was looking after their house. As an adult with a busy career in marketing, it goes without saying I never forgot her birthday and she was always remembered at Christmas.
“When she was diagnosed with a brain tumour, I was the stable grandchild during the last year of her life. She couldn’t drive or do basic things at home, such as care for herself, clean or cook. I helped my stepmum do this because I work flexible hours — happily, I might add — on a daily basis.”
But when it got here to the studying of the desire, Claire discovered there was no point out of her title. Yet her step-gran’s different ten grandchildren had been every left a good-looking four-figure sum, despite the fact that none of them, based on Claire, had helped care for his or her grandmother in her closing 12 months.
“I will admit that at first I was hurt. I’d played a greater role in her life in her final year, taking her for weekly blood tests, making her life more comfortable.
“It wouldn’t have changed my feelings for her, but it might have been nice to know beforehand. Transparency makes life easier for everyone.
“Girlfriends have said I was mad for not making a noise and letting it be known that I was upset. Everyone knows of someone who has kicked up a stink and ends up receiving something, just to keep them quiet. The idea of doing that didn’t sit easily with me.
“While I don’t have the posh holidays and fancy cars my cousins have enjoyed thanks to their inheritance, I do have a clear conscience.
“This whole episode has taught me one thing and it’s this: blood is absolutely thicker than water.”
Source: www.perthnow.com.au
